


Kiss My Ash

by Scarlet



Category: The X-Files, The X-Files RPF
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-10-10
Updated: 1999-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-19 02:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2371868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarlet/pseuds/Scarlet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What goes on in the mind of a red-head when she plays baseball. And the reason why Mulder and Scully never get to do the Naked Pretzel on the show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kiss My Ash

"- and Mulder? I don't see any nicely wrapped presents lying around so, what gives?"

Scully shifted and leaned against the door of the cage watching her partner swing his bat around. Her gaze drifted to his denim clad backside.

_My mistake Mulder, this one's wrapped nicely enough._  
 _Admit it Dana, you only came for the view._  
 _Shut up._

"You've never hit a baseball, have you, Scully?"

_Uh? Oh, right. Baseball._

"No, I guess I have, uh - found more necessary things to do with my time than slap a piece of horse-hide with a stick."

_Like learning comparative anatomy with the neighbor's son, while your brothers played the game outside._  
 _He doesn't need to know that._  
 _He might like to know how much you enjoy playing doctor._  
 _Enough._

"Get over here, Scully."

_Roll over, Scully._  
 _You would._  
 _I would not!_  
 _You can't resist that tone._  
 _This is not fair._  
 _Extremely unfair._

Scully walked over and closed her hands over the bat he was offering. To her suprise Mulder didn't release the bat, but stepped behind and wrapped his arms around her.

_Uh-oh._

"This my birthday present, Mulder? You shouldn't have."

_You shameless liar._

"This ain't cheap. I'm paying that kid ten bucks an hour to shag balls."

_Ever the sweet talker..._

"Hey, it's not a bad piece of ash, huh?"

_EXCUSE ME?_

Scully looked over her shoulder and shot him her patented look.

"The bat...I'm talking about the bat."

_Yeah, right._

She returned her gaze on said bat.

"Now, don't strangle it."

_Sorry Mulder, didn't mean to squeeze your ash._

"You just want to shake hands with it." "Hello, Mr. Bat. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." "Oh, no, no, Ms. Scully. The pleasure's all mine."

She laughed at that. _Believe me, the pleasure's all mine, Mulder._

"Okay, now, we want to - "

\- _know if this is another bat I can feel against my back._

" - we want to go hips before hands, okay? We want to stride forward and turn. That's all we're thinking about. So, we go hips... before hands, all right?"

_No problem, Mulder. I'm thinking of nothing else but my hips and your hands._

"Okay."

As if he'd read her thoughts, he pressed his hand lightly against her hip which caused his body to come flush against hers.

_Oh, my. You are glad to see me, aren't you Partner?_

"One more time."

_Please._

His hand pushed more firmly against her hip. "Hips - before hands, all right?"

"Yeah." _Oh yeah - just fine._

"What is it?"

_That's my butt, Mulder._

"Hips before hands." She hastened to answer, just before feeling his breath tickle her ear.

"Right. We're going to wait on the pitch. We're going to keep our eye on the ball. Then, we're just going to make contact. We're not going to think. We're just going to let it fly, Scully, okay?"

"Mm-hmm." _Believe me Mulder, I'm too busy enjoying the contact to think._

"Ready?"

_You have no idea._

They fumbled slightly trying to adjust their mutual grip on the bat.

"I'm in the middle." He let her put his hands between his.

_But can I be on top later?_

They grinned at each others like two lunatics.

_You're not that clueless, are you Mulder?_

The agent addressed the young boy.

"All right, fire away, Poorboy."

They swung together and hit the ball.

"Ooh! That's good."

_You're easy to please._

They kept hitting the balls the young boys was firing at them, while Mulder kept whispering nonsense in her ear. She giggled. It was so rare for them to be this carefree.

"All right, what you may find is you concentrate on hitting that little ball..."

_I hear you Mulder, straight for the balls._

"The rest of the world just fades away -- all your everyday, nagging concerns. The ticking  
of your biological clock."

_Never mind my clock, Mulder, there's an hour hand poking at my back right now._

"How you probably couldn't afford that nice, new suede coat on a G-Woman's salary."

_Six years of lingerie savings, G-man. Could buy myself half a dozen coats like this one._

"How you threw away a promising career in medicine... to hunt aliens with a crackpot, albeit brilliant, partner."

She shot him another look.

_If you were so brilliant, Mulder, you would drop this bat right now._

"Getting into the heart of a global conspiracy. Your obscenely overdue triple-X bill. Oh, I'm sorry, Scully. Those last two problems are mine, not yours."

_You're rambling partner. Trying to get a grip?_

They hit the ball once more, and she smiled at him.

"Shut up, Mulder. I'm playing baseball."

_And your breathing down my neck is distracting me._

They watched as the balls flew high into the sky and seemed to mingle with the stars.  
After a while she felt Mulder still her movements.

"You can go Poorboy, we're done for tonight." She heard him say.

The young boy nodded and skipped away.

The bat dropped to the ground.

She turned in his arms.

He looked down at her, a soft smile playing on his lips.

It was happening again, time was slowing down and space was narrowing around them, cradling them in a soft and warm chrysalis, a thousand threads of shared experiences being woven. Six years of knowledge going back and forth. A cocoon of intimacy.

And one thing missing.

Now was the time.

She just knew.

She felt her toes begin to rise of their own accord... and heard a loud voice boom from beyond the darkness of the cage.

"AAAAAAND CUT!"

AAAWWW! NOT AGAIN!

Mulder dropped his hands by his sides with a defeated look. They both watched as the actors stepped out of them, leaving their translucent shells behind.

"Okay, Gill?"

"Yep, worked for me."

Duchovny winked at her. "Don't say it to my wife."

Anderson rolled her eyes and started walking towards the cameras.

"Well that sucked for US!" shouted Mulder.

The two leads turned around to find themselves facing the two ghosts of their characters, glaring at them, their arms crossed over their chests.

"What the hell -" began Duchovny.

"Precisely. That's were we come from!"

Duchovny pinched the bridge of his nose, closed his eyes and started to laugh while shaking his head.

"Okay, okay, this time I'm loosing it. Gillian? I'm seeing ghosts, what do you reckon? Too much wheat in my diet or what?"

When the answer didn't come he opened his eyes to shoot a glance at his colleague.

"Gillian?"

"I see them too, David."

The young woman was staring straight ahead with startled wide eyes. He followed her gaze and saw that the ghosts were still there, standing side by side and still glaring.

"Can't be the wheat then..." he muttered and took a few cautious steps forward.

"Er, may I ask what you two are doing here?" Duchovny asked in the tones of a man who's conscious he's doing something utterly stupid.

"We're too pissed off to vanish," said Mulder.

"You WHAT?"

"You are one fine bunch of sadists, you know that?" Scully chimed in.

"Er... I... I don't -" stammered Duchovny still trying to come to terms with the fact that he was actually having a conversation with a couple of fictional characters.

"It's been 6 years, this is wearing thin," cut her partner. "You wrote that ep, you could have made an effort."

"An effort?"

"Yeah, so we could finally get some."

Duchovny sighed and rubbed his temple wondering if these were the first symptoms of schizophrenia.

"Listen guys, you know that Chris forbids any such things."

"I don't care, I don't believe in God."

"Besides if he wanted our relationship to remain platonic, he should have made it clear this summer," argued Scully.

"Damn right! What is this all about, uh? An aborted kiss, a declaration on Demerol, people mistaking us for a couple all the time, saying that we're in love?"

"And then nothing. Zip. Nada," finished Scully.

Mulder nodded. "I mean, if you really don't want us going at it with each other, you could at least make sure we're getting laid once in a while. With other people. For hygiene's sake."

His small partner shrugged:

"At this point we're not fussy."

Duchovny shook his head. "I'm afraid that's not possible."

"And why not? There's Marita, Diana, Kersh's secretary -" Mulder began.

"Detective Kresge, Sheriff Hartwell, Skinner -"

"Scully!"

"What?"

"Not Skinner!"

"Well, they made me kiss him in the lift once. I liked it."

"But he's our boss!"

Scully narrowed her eyes. "I don't see where the problem is. At least I'm sure he's not a spy."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what's that supposed to mean, homeboy."

"You're just jealous, honeybunch."

"Call me that one more time and I swear I'll make your genitals fit into a Petri dish!"

"All right, all right! Calm down you people!" interrupted Anderson ,who didn't seem so  
phased by the apparitions now.

Scully swivelled on her feet and aimed the full force of her glare at her alter ego. The actress backed away a little. Angry ghosts did that to people.

"Come on, let's try to deal with this in a positive way," she pleaded.

"Come on? I'm the one who doesn't, sister!"

She marched towards Anderson and waved a diaphanous finger under her nose.

"And how about some positive ass kicking, uh? Guess I'm more than entitled to it."

Duchovny stepped by his colleague's side and hurried to change the subject. "You're supposed to be romantic heroes, you can't just go around fucking your way through the show."

"He's right, you know? It would destroy the tension between you, ruin your chemistry," explained Anderson.

Mulder snorted. "We have enough chemistry to fuse a core reactor. A one night stand won't change that."

Scully looked at her partner over her shoulder, arching her ever famous eyebrow, a small flattered smile threatening to creep on her lips.

"That much, Mulder?"

His partner reached out and grabbed her waist, pulling her close. He leaned down to breathe into her ear:

"Yeah, baby... and the day we'll let it loose it's gonna be the Lurvvvestorm of aaaaallll time."

Scully looked up and their eyes locked in their usual way, shutting out the rest of the world. His knuckles lightly brushed her blushing cheek in a quick caress and he smiled fondly at her.

She smiled back.

A slight cough pulled them back to their surroundings. The two actors were watching them - a smug grin splitting their faces.

"What?" the agents snapped as one.

"Just admiring our work," said Duchovny.

"The perfect match," added Anderson dreamily.

"Listen, we can't promise anything, but we'll see what we can do," offered the actor.

Mulder nodded. The anger was gone now and they were starting to fade already. He hugged Scully tighter against him.

"Sweet dreams, Sunshine."

"Thanks for the game, Mulder."

"Anytime."

"Don't tease."

"No, ma'am."

"Wait! Before you go, tell us how you did it!" cut Anderson.

"Did what?"

"This! Be here, come to life."

Scully's transparent face shot her best enigmatic smile and her voice was lighter than a summer breeze when it reached her ears.

"We had the strength of their beliefs."

THE END.

**Author's Note:**

> This was for my beloved 'woussies' for being the wonderful friends they are.
> 
> BIG THANKS:  
> to CarriK because I shamelessly tampered with her transcript, and she didn't mind.
> 
> THE LAST WORD:  
> I'll be blunt. Of all the fanfics I've written, this is the one I like the least. I think it's heavy handed, rather vulgar and Scully's voice is way off. I'm quite pleased with the twist at the end though and this silly little story (along with "Doctor, Copper, Sailor, Corpse") still made it into an academic paper. I guess I'm putting it out there for posterity to show how far I've come as a writer.
> 
> Oh and back then I had no clue that, technically, I'd written RPF.


End file.
